There is an older guy that comes in to the station at least once a week. There are a few things you can always count on when this guy comes to the store. He will always be wearing a plaid shirt; his white hair will look blown out like bozo the clown and he is going to complain. I dread seeing this guy pull up because I know his entire spiel because it never ever changes. After interacting with this guy for months now I thought it was time to try to change things up a little.
(Guy walks into the store and does his breathing, clear throat thing that he always does)
Guy: Yeah, yeah, hi give me a pack of…
(I set Parliament Lights on the counter because he hasn’t deviated in months)
Guy: Wow don’t even have to say a god damn thing anymore. Are you a f*cking mind reader now? (Kind of grunts and does the whole clear throat thing)
Me: Not exactly (as I get ready to ring up the cigarettes. Then a get a great idea).
Me: Hold that thought actually I am kind of a mind reader.
Guy: Wait a minute what?
(I grab a piece a paper and right down: $7.00 for a pack of god damn cigarettes. Can you believe I used to get these for 15 cents? Man I wish I was back in the orient where I could find quality stuff for a quality price).
Me: Oh you will find out a in a minute (as I ring up his cigarettes).
Guy: $7.00 are you kidding me. (clears throat). Are you f*cking kidding me. I used to get these damn cigarettes for 15 cents a pack. They don’t make things like they used to. They also don’t make stuff like they should anymore. Wish I could go back to the orient where I could find quality stuff for a reasonable price.
Me: Well my mind reading abilities are not perfect yet but I plan on making them better with practice.
(The guy looks at me really confused. I slid him the paper that I wrote everything on)
Guy: Wait a minute. How did you know I was… (mumbles something). You are (mumbles and clears throat). What the f*ck! You are sick! (Walks out of the store just looking at me with bewilderment).
So I suppose that makes me kind of a jerk but I got a heck of a laugh. This guy is clearly senile so I’m sure he will be back again when he runs out of cigarettes.
Check out part 2 here