Funny: I’m psychic… or so I’m told

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There is an older guy that comes in to the station at least once a week.  There are a few things you can always count on when this guy comes to the store. He will always be wearing a plaid shirt; his white hair will look blown out like bozo the clown and he is going to complain. I dread seeing this guy pull up because I know his entire spiel because it never ever changes.  After interacting with this guy for months now I thought it was time to try to change things up a little.

(Guy walks into the store and does his breathing, clear throat thing that he always does)

Me: Hello!

Guy: Yeah, yeah, hi give me a pack of…

(I set Parliament Lights on the counter because he hasn’t deviated in months)

Guy:  Wow don’t even have to say a god damn thing anymore. Are you a f*cking mind reader now? (Kind of grunts and does the whole clear throat thing)

Me: Not exactly (as I get ready to ring up the cigarettes. Then a get a great idea).

Me: Hold that thought actually I am kind of a mind reader.

Guy: Wait a minute what?

(I grab a piece a paper and right down: $7.00 for a pack of god damn cigarettes. Can you believe I used to get these for 15 cents? Man I wish I was back in the orient where I could find quality stuff for a quality price).

Me: Oh you will find out a in a minute (as I ring up his cigarettes).

Guy: $7.00 are you kidding me. (clears throat). Are you f*cking kidding me.  I used to get these damn cigarettes for 15 cents a pack. They don’t make things like they used to. They also don’t make stuff like they should anymore. Wish I could go back to the orient where I could find quality stuff for a reasonable price.

Me: Well my mind reading abilities are not perfect yet but I plan on making them better with practice.

(The guy looks at me really confused. I slid him the paper that I wrote everything on)

Guy: Wait a minute. How did you know I was… (mumbles something). You are (mumbles and clears throat). What the f*ck! You are sick! (Walks out of the store just looking at me with bewilderment).

So I suppose that makes me kind of a jerk but I got a heck of a laugh. This guy is clearly senile so I’m sure he will be back again when he runs out of cigarettes.


Check out part 2 here

  • IB

    I’m reminded of Clerks. Doing some F*ing good writing. Not as good as the orient though.